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Dr. Saunders’ guide to Good Marital Relationships
(TABLE OF CONTENTS)
A 4 Hour Course on Love, Marriage, and Good Relations
I. Introduction
A. Defining what it means to be married
B. How marriage became a social, civil, and religious institution
C. Marriage roots and the foundation of love
D. Questions to ask one another
II. Conflict Management
A. Where conflicts can arise
1. Finances
2. Children rearing strategies
3. Holidays
4. Religious beliefs and traditions
5. Family Structure
a. Enmeshed family vs. Distant
b. Dysfunctional vs. Functional
6. Careers
B. Resolving Conflicts
1. How to win every time
2. Know that even when you’re right, you can still be wrong
3. What is good for the long-term of the relationship vs. short-term
gratification
4. Demanding power vs. Earning power
C. What other married couples report as problems
D. Questions to ask one another
III. Communication Skills
A. Assertative, Aggressive, and Passive styles
B. Dominant and Submissive styles
C. When to talk and when to listen
1. Empower through listening
2. Listen with your whole heart
D. When not to solve a problem
E. Questions to ask one another
IV. Financial Responsibilities
A. Personal finances
1. Who will pay the household bills?
2. Joint vs. Separate accounts
3. Saving
B. Investing and Retirement: Money is a means not a goal in itself
1. Short-term goals?
2. Long-term goals?
C. Questions to ask one another
Dr. Saunders Guide to Good Marital Relationships
INTRODUCTION
Being married is a relationship like no other. It can be frustrating, wonderful,
maddening, beautiful, and everything else in between. The process of getting
married, in a soulful and meaningful way, is a heroic act in and of itself. You
are demonstrating in essence that you, the individual, are no longer as
important as We, the relationship. You give up the demands and narcissism of the
ego for a higher calling. Marriage can be a relationship that is fulfilling and
meaningful. Marriage can also be a relationship that will cause you grief and
pain like no other. What makes a successful relationship different from those
that fail largely depends on what you before the marriage begins. The better you
know yourself, your mate, and what it means to be married, the better and
brighter your future will be. This brief guide is meant to be an introduction to
the journey of marriage. After you complete this guide, and take The Couples
Quiz, you’ll be encouraged and hopefully motivated to attend marriage enrichment
classes, read relationship books, and perhaps go into counseling with a skilled
therapist or your local pastor/minister.
Marriage was originally a purely social/cultural convention. Love was not always
seen as a motivation for marriage. Quite the contrary, many “experts” of ancient
times advised against marrying for love feeling it would only lead to pain or
“feistiness of the wife.” Marriage was not always seen as a convention between
one man or one woman. Many different cultures throughout history have viewed
marriage that could be an arrangement between several different persons, between
those of the same sex, or even between close family relations! Cleopatra, at the
time of her fabled romance with Marc Anthony, was married to her brother in an
effort to consolidate political power within her family dynasty. If couples who
were preselected, often from birth, to be married happen to fall in love after
they were married then that was fine, but that certainly wasn’t a requirement.
Two people were united together for political reasons (to unite two warring
countries/tribes/cities) or to unite two families for financial reasons or for
titles of nobility. Then sometime in the middle ages a change in the psyche of
western man occurred. Wondering minstrels began to spread stories of knights
pledging themselves to undying love to a queen or lady of the court. These
stories and songs helped to create and promote many of the rituals of love at
the time. A knight would pledge himself to his lady of the court and swear to
love no other. He would shower his lady with gifts, poems, songs and pledges of
devotion. Often this was in full view of those in a nobles hall or supervision
of the royal court. Thus our term “courtship” was born. Love, as the new basis
for marriage was in many ways the first women’s liberation movement in that it
allowed women more control over who they selected for mates. After all, how
could an arranged marriage compare to the courtship rituals they would here
about or experience. Thus love began to evolve as the primary reason to marry.
Courtship and supervised love rituals were still the norm well into the 20th
century. Then a new phase of childhood was invented: Teenhood or Adolescence.
Teenagers began to take up the courtship rituals and they invented the process
of “dating” as we know it today. Unfortunately, all the old rituals and
courtship etiquette that made love so appealing slowly devolved into a
meaningless collection of flowers, dinner, and a movie. The romance, poetry, and
seduction that keeps the fires burning in relationships is hardly evident any
longer. However, that can change! When couples understand and accept their
respective responsibilities, duties, and joys of the relationship then they can
experience a “storybook” marriage of their dreams. Relationship skills can be
learned and expertise in the areas of romance and passion can be developed. This
guide is your first step to developing those skills of the heart.
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